


Crashing in the Name of Science

by marsy_142



Category: Thunderbirds
Genre: Gen, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-06-23
Packaged: 2018-06-10 06:29:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6943576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marsy_142/pseuds/marsy_142
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John Tracy hadn’t been in communication with the rest of International Rescue for five days. No signals being broadcast, nothing. It was complete radio silence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic for this canon. I wanted to get it up as soon as possible so I've decided to make it multi-chapter. Feel free to give any pointers on how I could improve as this is a work in progress and I always am looking to make it better!

Silence, just as it always was in his space station when he had only just rubbed his sleepy eyes to remove the light dust of sleepiness that clung to his eyelids. As he looks around the realization hits him that his station looks so empty and lifeless and that’s because it is, up there it is just him and EOS. No one else to help him if he gets into a risky situation, he could only rely on EOS to save him if he ever found himself in immediate danger and he’s not even entirely sure if he could put his life in her hands.

“Good morning, John,” her child-like robotic vocals call out.

He unhooks himself from his upright bed and grabs onto various surfaces to propel himself over to his console. His eyes look into the distance from over his console, looking over the surface of the Earth, taking it all in as he did every moment he could. His favourite thing to do was appreciate it’s beauty from afar. The view that made him appreciate his position the most was when he could see the aurora borealis but he enjoyed very much watching night-time consume cities as all natural light faded and only the sky was lit by artificial light.

“Missing Earth, John?” she asks.

He shakes his head to say no but it was common knowledge that he misses being there so much, with his feet touching sand, mud, grass and even wading through water with his younger brother Gordon. He misses everything. However, he also knows that if he were to leave now he’d miss looking down at Earth every morning and night, seeing the sunset and rise in various locations.

“Hmm. It appears to be morning for the UK now, wonder why I’m synced to that sleep cycle,” he ponders to himself as his eyes fix on the sunrise that was sweeping over the GMT-0 zones.

While he is floating about, wondering what to do, he notices that the lights on the main console start flashing violently and John quickly grips onto a bar that helps him swing quickly down onto his chair so he can examine closer. He answers a distress call and works out the logistical side of the mission that lays ahead of International Rescue, after the distress call he quickly contacts his brothers that are dormant at Tracy island, he briefs them and tells them the logistic arrangements he has already sorted.

He watches from afar, monitoring their every move on the mission to make sure that it will end as a success. Too many close calls have made him aware of what could go wrong, and so he always watches closely to ensure that his brothers don’t get hurt. If they got hurt he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself for getting it wrong.

\--------

Success. Both civilian and Tracy got away unharmed. John lets out a huge sigh that was resting on his lungs throughout the entirety of this situation, he sits back and looks upwards trying to calm himself.

“Do you need some help, John?”

“Not now. I’m fine,” he lies, his hands nervously rub against each other. The come down stage of a mission always was the worst for him.

“Why must you lie to me, John?”

He turns and looks directly at EOS, “I’ll be fine. I just need to take a while to relax.”

“How about float? Get off of that seat and relax in your natural environment?”

Slowly he stands, his hands gripping onto the two bars that encase the console, he pushes down on the bars hard propelling himself into the air where he spins slowly, weightlessly.

“Better, John?”

“Much.”

His knees pull up to his chest, almost instinctively, as this happens his eyes slowly close and his arms wrap around his knees keeping himself in a fetal position as he relaxes his breathing.

Do you ever feel so isolated despite having company? That is how John feels while up here. Just because EOS is there with him that doesn’t help any. While his brothers visit often, usually one by one, it will never beat having them all in the same room together and all able to interact without any unnecessary delay. He wants to be home, with his family and able to see the world up close.

A small tear clings to his lower eyelid unable to fall as it would do on Earth. He wipes it away quickly with the fabric of his suit. “Damn emotions,” he whispers under his breath. His sadness is spreading over him, his mind is full of depressing thoughts of loneliness, isolation and worry for potential loss. He brings his hands up to his head and he digs his nails into his scalp hard, he wants to rip open his skull, so that he can pick out and discard those thoughts from his brain. Before he can do any damage, the emotional exhaustion kicks in and sleep captures him to pull him away from his melancholy.

Loud alarms sound and lights flash. “John! Please wake up!” EOS screams in something that sounds like a panic.

“H-huh…,” He opens his eyes slowly and lowers his hands from his head, “What’s the matter EOS?” when he asks the question it suddenly hits him - he can hear all the alarms and he knows that he will be in deep trouble for reacting so slowly.

“International Rescue,” he answers the distress signal, “Right away Sir.” Coordinates and various other pieces of information cover his display screen.


	2. Disappearance Day 1 - Worthlessness and Regret

Back on Tracy Island everything was normal and peaceful. The sun slowly moved its way up into the sky where it would light the harsh day that was to come. Smooth ripples of the ocean surrounding the island caressed the shore and when the boys looked out across the beach they could see the bright sunrise in the distance, it helped them remember why they loved their residence so much, even on the worst of days. 

“We must just be getting a day off. It’s surprising that there has been no emergencies for a while,” Virgil commented, as he stretches his arms out and links them behind his head. 

Gordon replies with, “The world must have went mad, but I’m not complaining!” and a cheeky grin to match. 

“It’s weird though, we haven’t heard from John at all. Surely he could have told us we weren’t needed.” A frown settles over Scott’s face; he is filled with concern for his brother. 

The boys disperse from the sitting room and find their own jobs to do to kill some time. Some opting to do some maintenance on their birds while others caught up with their hobbies. 

\--------

In Thunderbird 5, John is sat on his chair in silence. EOS is shouting at him as distress calls are popping up all over the place but he doesn’t care; he doesn’t have enough energy to do a single thing. He is sat in a lifeless state unable to do anything to save those people, the most he could do was blink slowly at his display. 

“John! You must transfer the message to the rest of International Rescue,” EOS commanded. 

Nothing was done though, he didn’t bother to pass on the distress calls or any other information, he just sat at his console, starring on to the distance. 

His attention was piqued when he saw movement from the others. His monitor was picking up that they were on their way to deal with the various incidents that needed International Rescue’s help. The calls must have got through directly without him having to relay the message and give orders and it wasn’t the first time that this had happened.

A feeling of worthlessness spread through his body, his posture became stooped, his confidence in the only good he felt he could do was struck hard. Every movement felt hard for him to carry out.

‘Surely if they needed anyone to sort out the logistics on missions it should be EOS so that there would be no room for human error,’ he thinks to himself, ‘Maybe that’s why I’m here, so that I’m far enough away that I don’t fuck things up.’

“John, do you want something to eat?” EOS asks.

No reply. Just the sound of his heavy breaths can be heard over the deathly silence that swallows the entirety of his orbital satellite. Each breath squeezes loudly out of his lips that are parted slightly as his chest heaved. It sounds as if his breath is climbing his lungs so slowly, so slowly that it sounds almost painful. 

“John, do you want me to prepare you something to eat? You need breakfast.” 

He doesn’t respond, just shrugs and places his face in his palms.

“You must eat,” she demands but he still insists on being completely silent. “Very well then, John,” she gives up and leaves him alone to sulk in peace.

\-------- (Flash Back) 

“John! Wake up!” Virgil shouts. 

“Huh…?” 

“Gordon...he’s in danger.” 

John lifts his head quickly and catapults himself to where he can gain control of the mission. He tries Gordon’s comms but no response, he must either be away from TB4 or the power on his device must be out, but no matter what the cause of radio silence is, it isn’t looking good. 

“Communications are dead, you’ll need to try search for him somehow,” John explains, his voice laced with bitter regret for not acting sooner. 

His hands shake nervously against the screen where he can track everyone else apart from Gordon. Plans of action detailing ways he could help circulate his mind but nothing convenient or possible seems to come to him. 

“I’ve got a visual on him!” Virgil’s voice full of relief as he exclaims the positive news. “I’ll have to go grab him, he seems to be passed out down there and Thunderbird 4 doesn’t look that great either.” 

“That’s good to hear, get him back to the island and take care of him. Gosh, I wish I could be down there to help.” 

The call ends and John whacks his head against the console out of anger. “Why wasn’t I awake!” he screams at himself. 

\--------

John reflects on this moment and remembers it as one of the worst in his career at International Rescue. Each time it crosses his mind he feels anxious and worthless, like he should be replaced by something else that would be there all the time to answer every call promptly. 

“They are better without me,” is the only phrase echoing in his mind. 

If he had answered sooner maybe he would still have a way to communicate with Gordon before emergency power ran out. Perhaps if he were in control it wouldn’t have been that way at all, Gordon might never have crashed or passed out, but it felt like it was all John’s fault for not being awake for that mission. 

He falls asleep at his animated display remembering all the bad times - the near misses and negligence of his duties that almost cost lives. 

\--------

“Mission success, well done guys!” Scott cheers as all the brothers, minus John of course, are reunited back at the island. 

With Virgil following close behind Gordon walks in with that bounce of pride in his step, he leaps over the back of the couch and flings himself down on his spot. “It was a simple job!” 

“Yeah yeah, it wasn’t that easy….” Virgil shrugs, “Would have been easier if John was telling us what to do.” 

Scott’s unsettled look doesn’t go unnoticed and it gives it all away to the rest of the brothers. 

“You haven’t heard from him yet, have you?” questions the second youngest brother.

He gulps down a lump of fear that lingers unpleasantly in the back of his tightened throat, “Not exactly. We are still able to ping the station, so it’s not like the comms have been lost, he’s just not responding.” 

Grandma Tracy shuffles into the room quietly and startles the rest of the family when she expresses her opinion on the discussion about John, “I think he just needs rest, after what last happened I think it is reasonable for him to be quiet.” 

“I guess you could be right. I hope you are,” Scott responds while he looks down at his hands that are clenching and un-clenching in his lap.


	3. Disappearance Day 2 - Anger and Frustration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one I haven't had my editor look at yet but I wanted to post it up just to get it out there, I may repost it if I feel I want to add more but I'll notify if that happens.
> 
> I've been working on this with my sore wrist, because I needed to project my pain and impulsive nature onto something, so sorry if it's messed up in any places.
> 
> It was wrote while listening to Toe - "The Book About My Idle Plot On A Vague Anxiety", 10/10 would recommend listening to this while writing. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think and if I can improve in any way, I always strive to be better!

Frustration was the first emotion that settled on John’s mind as his eyes twitch and open to bright red lights flashing and sirens blaring. “An issue with the satellites John, comms are down and you must fix it!” EOS explains as soon as he is awake enough to comprehend what is going on.

“Let it stay that way. I don’t need communications anymore,” John mutters as he fumbles slowly with his harnesses. It was such a giant effort to even move anymore and it sucked that he felt this way; constantly fatigued by his emotions.

“John you must! You have to fix them!” EOS demands like a petulant child. Maybe she was capable of emotion, to John it seems as if she was exhibiting fear and worry for their survival but perhaps he was just looking too far into it.

He moves to the hatch and gets his gear ready, his helmet placed over his ginger head and extra protection added to his suit. “I’ll examine them but I can’t promise I’ll do anything to fix them,” he gave in.

“Thank you John. Please try your best out there.”

The hatch is opened and he ventures outside, his eyes set on the satellites that have what appears to be only minor damage. His gloved hands run across the small cracks on the reflective surfaces. “Hmm, not good.”

Doing repairs was something John could do without, he was beginning to hate responsibility and being commanded, by his own creation, to fix something EOS could probably do herself was about the most irritating thing he could experience in his current mind-set. He knew he could fix it easily but of course he doesn’t stop to think before carrying out actions, he used to, but he isn’t the John he was before. This John is no longer that cautious and calm man who would contemplate every possibility, no this is the John who sought to break everything to shit. Without any forethought and with a swift kick the satellites are damaged beyond repair. His foot goes straight through the mirrors and shards now float freely around the stupid man. How many years bad luck would this be for John?

He kicks away off of the various bars to propel himself closer to the hatch, while he does this however, one piece of the debris punctures his suit and embeds itself into his calf. One of his hands clasp the hole in his suit and the small fragment, the other unlocks the hatch.

Once back inside; safe and sound, EOS rushes to his aid, “I detect that you have been injured John, what happened out there?”

“Stuff that doesn’t concern you, I can deal with it.”

“Oh John, don’t be like that. You know I want to help in any way I can,” she responds to his snappy comment.

He looks down at his wound and grimaces before yelling with a unsteady voice, “Alone…leave me alone.”

“As you wish.”

Angry at his own fuck up he yanks the shard from his calf and luckily, or perhaps unluckily for John the shard didn't hit deep enough to cause the kind of movie like squirting caused by puncture wounds he was hoping for. It is not until he feels his vision start to get hazy and blur around the edges that he decides to do anything to stop his leg from bleeding out. He wraps a bandage around the area of damage and pulls it tight, but before long that entire bandage is soaked with red, another is added to the area and he yet again tightens it so that it stunts the bleeding.

“Fucking hell.” About five minutes had passed since John tied the last dressing around his leg. He brings it back up onto a stool to examine it, he couldn’t believe that such a little cut could bleed so much.

As soon as John tries to stand up, after replacing the dressings, he falls straight onto his knees. “EOS, help,” he calls out in a voice that didn’t fully express to the extent that he was falling apart, “can you please stop the gravity, let me float.”

Now floating in the air John is able to move around, he is as comfortable as he can be but yet his teeth still gritting from the pain felt by his leg. “Why must I be so impulsive?”

“I don’t know John.”

“I didn’t need an answer,” he growls. The last thing he needed was someone thinking they could comment on his out-loud musings.

EOS never understood John and his volatile moods.


End file.
